Sunday, September 11, 2011

On situational disabilities....

The topic for today is something that I call Situational Disabilties.  These are transitory disorders that, according to recent studies conducted by me, significantly impact 9 in 10 people at some period of their life.  There are many different types of situational disabilities, and below are just a few:

Spouse Deafness - Most commonly recognized by the non-scientific term "Selective Hearing", spouse deafness is an affliction that I myself have been battling for years.  Or, perhaps more accurately, my wife has been battling it for years.  Often spouse deafness is brought on when the speaker mentions several pleasant subjects in conjunction with an unpleasant subject.  For instance "You can watch the football game on Saturday and I will make you some hot wings, but I would like for you to clean out my car and fix my tail light."  In this situation the football watcher hears that he is going to be watching a game and eating hot wings.  This never ends well.

It should be noted that there are other, similar conditions that are as debilitating as Spouse Deafness, including Boss Deafness, Parent Deafness, etc.

Cheese Blindness - Cheese blindness can be a very serious condition, particularly when the bread, ham and mayonnaise have already been fully deployed.  Cheese blindness occurs, of course, when despite frantic searching you are unable to locate the cheese.  Often a quick cure for cheese blindness is to ask your spouse where the cheese is located.  I experienced cheese blindness once and asked my wife where it was as I continued to look.  I was looking at the butter, and thinking about how my truck needed to be washed, with my hand resting beside it and when my wife responded that the cheese was next to the butter I was shocked to see it materialize before my very eyes.  Cheese blindness is real people, don't doubt it for a minute.

Parkingson Disease - Not to be mistaken with Parkinson's Disease, a degenerative disorder of the central nervous system, Parkingson Disease is a condition that immediately goes into remission when a state agency issues the afflicted a handicapped parking decal.  We've all seen people who are in remission, we witness them getting out of their parked cars with no visible sign of disability whatsoever.  We see them leaving their footprints upon the prone bodies of those they have trampled on Black Friday to get at that $5 waffle press.  We see them two miles away, at the opposite side of the mall, checking out $1000 gas grills.  Miracles, they happen every day.

Mom's Here Paralysis - This condition is one that impacts every parent.  Put simply, when the mother is in the home her progeny is not able to perform even the simplest of tasks.  They can't use a butter knife, the microwave, the stove, they can't walk two feet to get the remote control.  In short, they experience total paralysis and are in an almost vegetative state in which, although they can voice their desires, they are simply unable to fulfill their most basic needs and must depend upon their mother for everything.

For some reason a child is rendered absolutely helpless when he or she is within 50 feet of his or her mother.  I mean, they can't even cook a pop tart on their own.  Yet as soon as the mother leaves and the child gets hungry, they can prepare a meal that would make Gordon Ramsey blush.  Science needs to study this one because I am intrigued.

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