Sunday, January 1, 2012

On Twilight, Breaking Wind....

I went to watch the latest Twilight movie with my wife today, I think it's called Twilight 24 or something like that.  When it was my turn at the ticket counter I said as quietly as possible "two for Twilight please."  The girl behind the counter turned to the guy beside her and winked, then looked back at me and said "I'm sorry I didn't hear you, can you speak a little louder please?"  So I repeated myself louder and all of the 12 year old girls in line behind me burst out laughing, then converged on me and beat me up, all the time screaming "outsider, outsider."

Okay, that first part didn't happen, but I did take my wife to see Twilight today and I have to say that it was the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life, and I've seen a lot of bad movies.  It wasn't the fact that it was a chick flick that made is so horrible, though that's reason enough really, it's the fact that they took a 15 minute story and turned it into an agonizing 117 minutes.

Here's a plot synopsis:

Bella and Edward get married, which pisses Jacob off.  They then go on their honeymoon and Bella gets pregnant, which pisses Jacob off.  The baby is killing her and Jacob is pissed about it, so Bella has to drink blood (which she finds yummy), to keep the baby alive, which both grosses Jacob out and pisses him off.  Bella dies in child birth, which pisses Jacob off, so Edward vampirizes her, which pisses Jacob off again.  Then she comes back to life.

That whole coming back to life process was, I have to admit, cool because you could see her skin change color, her boobs grow, her cheeks filling in, and makeup suddenly appear on her face.  Who would have known that Mabelline and Doctor 90210 would play such a prominent roll in the vampirization process?

At the end of the movie Jacob (henceforth dubbed by me Jacob the Disturbed), who's pissed again, storms into the room where the baby is, looks at it, and has a moment.  Apparently in this moment he thinks that the baby's hot so he imprints her.  I thought that imprinting involved urine, but if it does then thankfully they didn't show Jacob peeing on that baby.  I guess we have child labor laws to thank for that.

That movie isn't just about vampires, it actually is a vampire; I left feeling like every shred of intelligence that I came into that theater with was sucked out through my carotid artery.  My wife had to help me walk to the car because I could barely muster enough intelligence to figure out how that walking stuff worked.  For the first fifteen minutes after the movie all I could say was "can I pet the rabbit George?"  It's ironic that Edward's family name is Cullen because, just like old Tom Cullen from The Stand, I babbled about how m-o-o-n spelled "crappy movie."  Maybe the use of the Cullen name was a bit of clever foreshadowing.

If you haven't seen the movie consider yourself blessed; it makes Joe Dirt look like Citizen Kane.

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